Self Care Guide

Hello everyone,

Can you believe it? As promised, another blog post. Madness.

So firstly, I just want to start by saying a big big thank you for the overwhelming love and support I have received following my last post (if you haven’t given it a read, just click here). Since I wrote it, I have done a lot more research into the disorder and I have (unfortunately) noticed more and more things that I do or have done in the past that I couldn’t really explain and now I know that it’s just a side effect. I’m not going to go into too much detail right now because that isn’t my reason for this post and I think I need a break from thinking about it which leads me nicely into this post.

I have realised a lot that (for whatever reason), many of my friends and many people online are super struggling at the moment with their mental health. I understand that that may be a side effect of coming out the other side of lockdown (and maybe into another) or maybe it’s that these people have actually suffered a really long time and being locked away has heightened these emotions to the point now where they’re uncontrollable or feel as though they’re stuck. Please, please if this is the case, seek help. Contact your GP, call Samaritans or get in touch with a family member or friend. It’s so important to receive just that little bit of extra love when you’re struggling to love yourself.

When I get extra down, I try to remind myself of my energy and my use of it – (for more background on this mantra of mine, click here) but this doesn’t mean I am hard on myself if it seems just a bit too hard a stretch some days. So therefore, self love comes in.

I personally think self care is one of the most important things you can do and I know many of you will agree with me. I think self care is so subjective and can mean different things to different people so without further ado, I am going to lay down some of my own self care routines and pass times when I’m a little on the sad side (or when I’m bored).

1. Pamper yourself

One of my all time favourite things to do is pamper myself. Most of the time, for me that looks like an hour long bath with my favourite lush products including a good bath bomb and this is going to probably sound major weird but shaving my legs with a moisturising razor? I don’t know why but there is something about having freshly shaved legs that makes me feel super wholesome afterwards. Maybe it’s because I know that that means I will be getting that sheets-against-the-leg feeling when I get into bed. I don’t know, it’s just so satisfying isn’t it?

Another way that I do this a deep clean facial. I love love love my Vanity Planet facial cleanser and it always make me feel so accomplished when I do a full facial routine – this includes a face mask, a deep clean (sometimes hot cloth), eyebrow plucking, toner, moisturising and blackhead removal. Either way, I have always got to use my Vanity Planet face kit though, it is my favourite thing. I had seen some Vanity Planet products about but never seen a full review until I was watching Jordan Lipscombe’s videos on YouTube and she praised them! On top of that, she had a discount code so I ordered myself one and I have literally not looked back. I mainly use my deeper scrubs to use it. It comes with three heads – a normal head, a deeper head and a sensitive head. I personally use the sensitive head most because I feel like it works better for my skin and doesn’t leave it sore in any way but it depends on your skin type etc.

If you’re anything like me, you may be obsessed with make up (and your vanity table). I love to play around with make up. It makes me feel confident and satisfied when I have had a good ol’ play around with it and being adventurous with make up always re-ignites my passion for it. Although I don’t actually have a favourite palette to play with, I would recommend Morphe, Huda, Kat Von D and Naked. My eyes are a green colour most of the time so I tend to play around with pinks and purples but either way, I find that the more I play around, the more I love myself and my passion.

2. Netflix and Chill

It does what it says on the tin – but that doesn’t mean you should necessarily limit yourself just to Netflix. I have an obsession with Disney plus now and I am slowly making my way through every Disney movie ever.

Fun fact about me – I have Peter Pan tattooed on me! It’s my only tattoo… so far.

If you get stuck about to watch, ask for recommendations! Hit up your social medias and ask around. I am currently bingeing the fuck out of a few shows including Shameless and a few films. I would recommend a Christmas film which I have watched a couple of times recently which is Last Christmas with Emilia Clarke and Emma Thompson. It’s very relative to today’s issues such as homelessness, immigration, equality, organ memory, homosexuality and self neglect. It sounds really depressing but it’s actually an incredible musical with George Michael songs which he wrote and directed before he died. If you know a bit about him, it highlights a lot of issues that he held close to his heart. Long story short, it’s a really good film and perfect for this time of year. 

And there’s always the option of inviting someone over to help with the chill part – (the less said on that, the better).

3. Play a game

So sometimes, when I’m extra sad (particularly about life), I load up my PlayStation. I have just finished The Last Of Us 2 and I am now playing Resident Evil: Biohazard but you can bet, with any storyline game, I will always have my side hoe going too – The Sims. I have played Sims for years and will always be dedicated to that fantasy life. Currently, I have relocated to Sulani (the Island Living expansion pack) and am living life as a mermaid. There is not a better suited expansion pack.

My housemate is playing a few games at the moment too. Like me, he doesn’t just play one game at a time. He likes to play the PlayStation too but also hops on the Nintendo Switch from time to time. He has been playing a lot of GTA recently but alongside this is playing a storyline game – The Legend of Zelda. He recommends as a self care tip to play storyline games such as Assassins Creed and Uncharted or if you’d prefer more reign, maybe let yourself loose with games such as Minecraft or like Spiderman (do not be fooled if you are not a superhero fan, I absolutely love jetting about as Spiderman too).

4. Read a book/magazine

Weirdly, in this day and age, it feels a little like a crime to be reading but it is in my top favourite things to do. I have managed to smash out a book within a couple hours before when I have been a little extra down (and I had the time because I was in Southern France). It really distracts the mind and if you can find a book that will hook you, you will lose a considerable amount of time. There are a few books that I always go back to and this includes the Harry Potter series. It’s the series that made me fall in love with reading and it will always surprise me due to how different they are in comparison to the movies (although I do love the movies too).

Currently, I am reading a book called Eenie Meenie which follows a detective investigating a few disappearances. There is a woman who keeps kidnapping pairs of people and leaving them in places that they can not escape from with nothing but a gun between them and one bullet. Only one can escape and to do so, they have to kill the other person which begs the question of whether you can really call this woman a serial killer. Some of these couples have been left weeks without food and water and are just driven by the insanity – until one of them finally gives in and picks up the gun. It’s a good read so far and I’m about three quarters of the way through. 

Another good series to read are the Hunger Games books. Again, they’re similar to Harry Potter in the sense of they’re considerably different to the movies although I was fortunate enough to read them before the movies came out. Does it ever make you like, super mad when directors don’t stick to the bloody book? Seriously, it’s already written down for you?! Alas, the movies were still good but the books? Phenomenal.

5. Cook/bake

From quite a young age, I had an interest in baking. I mean, I think it’s crazy if you’re not! (No offence if you have no interest.. but you do get a treat at the end so what are you thinking?). Baking a good cake or loaf of something is so satisfying… and then you get to sit down and eat it? Amazing.

If you’re not too confident making a cake or loaf from scratch, get a box! I would recommend the rainbow cake that can be found in most Tescos. It reminds me of my childhood because my mum used to make it for us kids all the time. The only difference is we’d add chocolate icing rather than the recommended vanilla that the box states. My mum would also leave it in the fridge overnight so that the icing goes hard and we’d add more sprinkles than what the mix comes in. If you’d like me to upload pictures of this, let me know and I may even do a post on this. The cake really is that good despite being a box mix. 

If you like cooking and/or baking but are feeling like you’ve run out of ideas, head on to pinterest. Some of my favourite all time recipes, I have found on there include a beautiful melting potatoes recipe and a succulent creamy butter chicken recipe. You can also get inspiration on other social medias. I get a hell of a lot of inspiration in the weirdest places such as Instagram (Stacey Solomon and Mrs Hinch are included) and nothing I have made has ever gone wrong – well, not majorly wrong anyway. I’ve never ended up with food poisoning anyway so that’s a start.

6. Exercise

If you’re the sort of person to laze about all day, not really get much done physically then maybe it’s time to. It’s scientifically proven that if you move a lot more, you will produce a lot more dopamine and in turn, feel good. No one’s saying get off your lazy arse and go to the gym but just get out a bit more. Walk through the woods, if you’re going to the shop, walk rather than drive and just generally get more active.  You don’t necessarily have to make drastic changes, just get a bit more active and avoid being lazy I guess? 

If you don’t really know where to start, I would always recommend to YouTube tutorials – there are plenty of PT’s on there that can give you free tips and guidance on how to get the body you want and also lighter tips on just how to get a little more active. The internet is always a good starting place.

7. See a loved one

I mean, it goes without saying, having a conversation with someone you care about will make you feel at least a little better. I understand that at the moment, it’s a little difficult because of covid but maybe a facetime? It’s good because most video call suppliers (if that’s what you’d call them?) allow you to play games, watch movies and even listen to things together now. I know it’s not the same and never will be, but modern problems require modern solutions. If you fancy it, maybe have a look at getting yourself a pen pal? Again, the internet is always a really good starting point.

If you have separate issues that you do not wish to share with someone you love, don’t beat yourself up about it. You can get a separate third person to speak to who are available 24 hours a day to listen when you need it. For more information, please visit https://www.samaritans.org/

8. Get creative

This is a very broad point but this covers many, many things. If you’re reading this blog and you like reading blogs or watching YouTube videos or listening to podcasts, why don’t you have a look at starting one up yourself? It really is simple and you can just work whenever you fancy (unless you wanna take it more seriously and keep up with it, regularly – it’s completely down to you).

If you’re more slight of hand, why don’t you think about keeping up with some drawings or artwork – and before you make the excuse, EVERYBODY can draw. Just like everybody can sing (obviously in my opinion). Yes, some people are better than others but why are you worried about what other people are doing? You do you, hunny. And if you’re really that worried about it, I’m sure you can find some YouTube tutorial on anything and everything. The hardest part is starting.

9. Start a new skill

So this sorta semi ties into other points in a way but start something new! It doesn’t even have to be something creative, it can be anything. Unbelievably, I started blogging originally around 5 years ago now and it’s so strange to have slowly seen my blog grow and the traffic for it really peak and it’s so satisfying. Over the years, I have put different levels of effort into my blog but no matter what, I’m always always proud to have my blog. Sometimes, there’s things I don’t want to tell people and some things I don’t want to write in my diary so I end up unloading it all into here. Whether I actually post it or not is a different subject entirely but I guess what I’m trying to say is, starting something new can be scary and a little intimidating but it could also be so so worth it. I saw a post the other day that really got me to be honest and I will explain my interpretation. If you wanted for example to start a university course but are put off because you are 29 years of age and by the time you get out, you will be say 34… either way, in 5 years time you will be 34. Would you like to be 34 with or without the knowledge and experience? All you’re really doing is tormenting yourself. Just get out there and get creative! Re-decorate, paint, draw, write something. Just start something new! Try something you haven’t done before. The worst that can happen is you don’t like it of which case, you can try something else.

10. Have a cup of tea

Now, I know this point looks a little like a cop out but to me, it’s my go to fix. I just love tea. It really is a quick fix for me and just reminds me of warmth, cosiness and my mum (ironically who drinks coffee). She used to drink tea endlessly until a few years ago. I guess my advice here is to eat or drink something you really enjoy. If you’re an avid fitness fan, I’d still say bend the rules a little and have something you enjoy. That’s what cheat days are for right?

These are my tips to try and pick me up and some of them may be relative to you but hopefully some of these will spark a little idea in your head. If not, maybe it will remind you of some things you used to like doing and maybe have a look at restarting these. These are just some things that I like doing and I apologise that it’s so personal but as I say, this is my self care guideline and I just want it to hopefully resonate with some people and maybe get the imagination juices flowing.

I hope you are all well. If you’d like any more information on any products or any more tips, just drop a comment in the blog posts comments or on my social medias. I haven’t actually planned my next post but I do have a couple ideas.

If there’s anything you’ve read and would like me to do a blog post on, products or films or whatever, again just drop a comment and I will definitely get on that.

Also, do not forget the power of doing something for someone else.

Take care everybody and I will see you in the next post.

Love, Courtney-Jane x

Choosing Happiness

Happy September one and all. We are ever-getting closer to (hopefully) the end of all this covid-19 bollocks. I guess we’re all struggling to readapt to life after a pandemic and by the looks of things, we’re heading into another lockdown! (For reference, this morning Boris has released that he is making gatherings of 6 people or more illegal due to another spike of coronavirus cases). I’m a little mad about this because Hancock also put out a statement yesterday blaming young people for the spike – not the Eat Out to Help Out scheme that they introduced for August, nor the returning of pupils to school, not even the fact that Boris himself has ignored many of the covid rules – no, purely and entirely young people. But let’s not get into that today, I’m sure we all have similar feelings of anguish and uncertainty towards our government.

Today I wanted to highlight on how important your decisions are daily. I have really struggled this year for many reasons, one of them being the lack of certainty during lockdown. I feel this is super significant in my inability to progress and see events and feelings in a positive light and I understand that many others feel the same way. I am learning every day to try and focus on the positive things. I find it really strange that usually by default, when you’re young (other than in certain circumstances), it’s much easier to find the positive light. It’s much easier to choose happiness when you are blissfully unaware of the torment of daily (adult) life. Now, I’m not suggesting that as a child you had no problems or no struggles but I do believe that as you grow into a young adult, we gradually lose the ability to focus on the good things and to appreciate these moments. It’s much easier to get wrapped up in the stresses and horrors of an every day, post modern life. My next goal is to practice my choices this just a little bit more. Yes, I have plenty of struggles but there are also certain things that I appreciate every time it happens – for example that first sip of a nice cup of tea, the beautiful words an author uses to describe a sunset, the initial bed dance when it’s just a little too chilly in the sheets. Such simple things but they really help me appreciate the world but also this grounds me, which is significant for somebody who can struggle mentally. I’ve recently started exploring meditation too, not enough to mention my experiences yet but I’m sure after a few more attempts, I will give you all wording.

As stated before in my energy post, it’s important to not let yourself feel too out of control which granted, is hard considering the effects of 2020, but just allowing yourself to choose happiness each day is a gift. Life is a gift, start or continue treasuring it. You may have personal problems right now, financial struggles or maybe even bereavement, and that’s okay. To be upset is not to be weak, but strong… as long as you choose to keep moving afterwards; to keep appreciating life and the beauty in the world. Now more than ever, it is so important to focus on the good things in life and this is what I will be practising from now on.

Right now, I am sitting on my backside typing away on my laptop, watching Game of Thrones on the telly (series two, I have a lot of catching up to do!) watching the sun creep over my balcony. And this is what I need to start doing each day – just appreciating the moment, the people in my life and the fact that I am still breathing!

I am currently working on a post that will go in depth about self care, how I manage it and what I do to unwind in the hopes that maybe it could help some of you or inspire you to do similar things. It’s super super important for your mental, physical and emotional health to take just a little time out and tend to our own needs. My first point will always be.. stick that damn kettle on!

If all else fails, start a blog!

Please please take care of yourself guys, adhere to social distancing guidelines and take care of you, too.

Courtney-Jane x

Obsessively Confusing (Life) Destroyer

Welcome back my dudes!

A long arsed time no speak! Yeah, sorry about that. Apparently I’m just super shit at keeping on top of any of my hobbies, interests, relationships or finances so please don’t be offended. I really am going to try and keep on top of it all now. It’s good for me so it’s silly that I’m not doing them.

Life has been pretty hectic but then when is it not, right? On top of the rona, everything being shut, pizza gate and Australia burning down, I’ve had my own personal grief going on and I will sorta highlight about that but first, the update.

In one of my posts before, I’ve spoken a little bit about how I had Seasonal Affective Disorder (if you haven’t read it, you can access the post here).

Well my life has changed drastically in the last year. I’ve realised many things about myself and I’ve been trying to make moves to get better despite the mental health team being anything but helpful.

I have been known to the mental health team since I was about 14 years of age. Genuinely, the only thing that they’ve done that they would consider is helpful to me is throw pills at me. Now, I’m not discrediting the people that these work for but each time, it just offended me and made me feel super rough. I tell them sincerely that I have issues that are deeper than just putting a chemical blur over but not much seemed to get done. My actions, thoughts and reactions are based on trauma and some intense experiences and therefore, I need therapy. What have they done? Promised me help and then repeatedly discharged me so basically everything but.

When I was around 17 years of age, despite asking for therapy for 3 years already, I was denied it again but given counselling instead. I tried to keep open minded but my view at the time was that my issues weren’t being resolved, I was just telling someone else. So now what? Another person knows some of my problems. Well that’s great and all but how am I going to change my way of thinking? How are you going to make me feel better about my life and make me want to keep going? That was half her problem you see. She didn’t care (and I’m not saying that in a nasty way, she genuinely did not give a single fuck.)

I gave up my counselling treatment by my third appointment. I’d told her something that had happened 3 years prior (for a bit of background, it involved my first sexual experiences which to be frank, weren’t quite like the films). When I’d gotten home, I had police at my door. When I asked them why are they at my house looking for me, their reply was that my counsellor had filed a report to say she thought I was in danger. Excuse me? She had breached confidentiality without even telling me she was going to do so over something that had happened years beforehand. Luckily, my mum knew all about the experience and that I was getting counselling but imagine if she’d done that to someone else who was living in a broken or violent home? She just really didn’t seem to care and I remember this being one of my first real experiences with severe anxiety.

Anyway so fast forward to later last year and I’m at work, browsing through podcasts because I was up to date with my favourite pod (Robots for Eyes, if you haven’t already, check them out), and I came across a podcast based on mental health. At this point, I was really really struggling with my own mental health and coming to terms with the helplessness and intrusive thoughts that were coming along with it. I kept seeing confusing and terrifying things, quite literally things that would upset me the most. The most common underlying thing was always in relation to harm. I’d get intrusive thoughts of people I love getting hurt/tortured/killed or usually, it was me. I will admit, I do have a history of self harm and sometimes these were repeated or upgraded (for example, self harm with a razor blade would turn into images of throat slitting or hair pulling and scratching turned into images of my hair just falling out in one – which is harrowing by the way). Anyway, I came across one podcast that I decided I would do a binge of (I can’t remember what pod it was now but I will try and have a look). So I’m working and listening away and all of a sudden, they have a guest speaker come on to talk about living with Pure O (Pure Obsessions) – a form of OCD. He was talking about the extreme paedophilic intrusive thoughts he had suffered and how he had met a woman who had extreme religious intrusive thoughts. The generalisation of the intrusive thoughts, how they occur and the feelings that came with them really hit me hard and I had a panic attack and cried for what felt like forever in the staff toilet and this is what really kickstarted my “epiphany”.

Don’t panic, intrusive thoughts are normal and everyone does get them. I know that sometimes when you’re driving down the motorway, you can have a thought of

“Well what if I just hit that bridge at 80mph?”

or when you go on holiday and you’re standing on a cliff edge, you might have the thought of

“I could… jump?”

Well by definition, an intrusive thought is an “unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession“.

And this is where it gets serious because my intrusive thoughts become obsessions. I didn’t realise but for the last 4 years, my Seasonal Affective Disorder, depression and anxiety had all manifested into one big pile of OCD.

OCD is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and is divided into two parts – the obsessions and compulsions. A lot of people are unaware of this but OCD is far more than washing your hands 3 times (which is a compulsion by the way).

I can only describe it from my experiences so please bear with me on this.

What is described as an intrusive thought effectively becomes the obsession. It manifests in your mind like an unstoppable electrical current through a circuit, completely out of control and tends to be based on your biggest fears or traumas. I have had some incredibly disturbing intrusive thoughts in my time (sorry, I’m not going to divulge into those on this post) but some of these images include jumping off the balcony in my apartment, children of loved ones finding their parents dead and assaults and much, much more. The most distressing things imaginable become obsessions. If you’ve ever seen or read “IT”, it’s like having Pennywise living in your brain. The worst part is, trying to suppress the thoughts is like playing a game of whack a mole – the more you try to keep a thought down, the more violently another pops up and they always feel so real. I’ve completely dissociated before because the thoughts have felt so real like I actually was there. I could feel and smell the entire situation and you can imagine how anxious that makes you.

So the other side of OCD is the compulsions and I only recently realised I have a lot more compulsions than I originally noticed. When I first discovered about OCD, I was actually more certain that I had a type of OCD called “Pure O” which is when you only get the obsessions, but like I say, I do realise now that that is not the case.

For a bit of background, in 2016 I was in a very abusive “relationship” and it involved many many dark days but this is when the OCD really kicked off and manifested. During those times and every day since, I can not have anything even slightly out of place. When you think of OCD rituals, most people think “oh well they wash their hands 3 times” or “oh they turn the lights on and off 7 times” but it’s not like that for me. I mean, certain things are unavoidable to do, for example, I have a very specific routine in the morning and I can not leave the house without having done them and specifically in the right way, otherwise my mood will drop, my anxiety will rise and I know I will have a bad day where everything feels wrong.

I remember one time, when I was living with my ex, he’d been at work all day and I had done a deep clean of our room and I am talking s p o t l e s s okay, and he comes home, takes his coat off and puts his shoes to the side of the room. Now imagine feeling so unbelievably anxious because one of the shoes aren’t straight. I’m talking extreme uncomfortability like the roof was about to fall on your head, all because a shoe wasn’t as straight as the other… so you haul yourself out of bed just to straighten a shoe that’s on the other side of the room. Or pulling over at the side of the road because your phone has fallen out of the centre console. Not because you need your phone for any reason but because how dare it not sit in it’s rightful seat? Or maybe it’s so hot outside but you can only have the windows open at certain lengths because the thought of it being any other way makes your hands shake. Double and triple checking you triple locked the door when you’re going to bed or making sure all the lights are off and all the candles are out because otherwise you know you’ll lay in bed and the images of your neighbourhood burning down will be too overwhelming and you’ll just get up and do it again anyway. Or even something as small as scratching both knees just in case when one gets itchy. These are some minor examples but hopefully you’ll get the gist.

This is now my life. Most days, I can manage it but a lot of days I can not.

When I started finding out a lot more about OCD, pure O and intrusive thoughts due to the podcast like mentioned earlier, I cried my eyes out. I knew I had issues and I knew there was something wrong with me, but what it was, I just couldn’t seem to put my finger on it but this, this made sense to me.

Just over a year ago, I went down to my local mental health unit as I had previously been struggling again which had also included admitting myself to hospital at one point due to the suicidal intrusive thoughts I was having. My psychiatrist had asked me what I was doing there and what I wanted to get out of my visit. I had told him I wanted some form of official diagnosis. Being told I had Seasonal Affective Disorder all those years ago but not getting an official diagnosis was a hardship and I already knew my mental health had manifested and gotten much worse. His response to me quite literally was

“are you sure you want a diagnosis? With a diagnosis comes a label!”

I just looked at him as if to say “are you fucking kidding me?”. I really couldn’t care about a god damned label. If I had a broken arm, I would be diagnosed with a broken arm. So if I have something wrong with my brain, I want a diagnosis. A diagnosis comes hand in hand with competent treatment and after all, that’s all I was after. To this, he looked down and sighed, shuffled his notes around a little bit and told me

“well you’ve definitely got OCD, BPD and I reckon a hint of bipolar”

His lack of eye contact during this conversation was deafening and I was speechless. Where do I start? Well apparently nowhere because this was another visit that resulted in me getting discharged by the mental health team.

Since then, luckily I have seeked help from them again and I have been in contact with a lovely woman whom is really trying to navigate me through the system so I can receive either CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) or DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) which is mainly dependent on if I get an official diagnosis of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) too which should be sorted very very soon *fingers crossed*.

I just want to add before I wrap this post up, intrusive thoughts do not define you. If anything, they do the exact opposite. Remember I said they reflect your biggest fears and anxieties and how that man had a paedophilic OCD? Well what that means is that he was so frightened that he may be a paedophile, that his compulsions reflected this and he’d avoid walking certain routes if they passed schools or not see family members that had children due to the heart striking fear and anxiety. So paedophilia in this instance is the intrusive thought or the obsession, and avoiding social situations and routes are the compulsions. I want to reiterate, this does not mean he is a paedophile. This means he has OCD, and an incredibly distressing form of it.

I am hoping to update you all as I (hopefully) make my journey through the system now. I really don’t think I can take being discharged from the mental health team any more so I’m praying that won’t be the case. I know I really need help and my day to day life is affected massively so keep updated on my updates via social media! (You can find a link to my facebook page on the right hand side of the page and other links are in the contact section of my site).

If you’d like to find out more, click here for information directly on the NHS website and click here for more information on the 6 types of OCD and the causes.

For help if you think you may have OCD or know someone who does, click here. Despite my experiences, it is also important to make sure you contact your GP so that the right moves can be made for you. Don’t forget, you are not alone and there are so many people out there that suffer everyday too (me included!)

Thank you for reading, welcome back to my mind and I look forward to seeing you in the next post.

Love love

Energy

Hello again all! I hope you’re all well!

Firstly, I want to say a personal thank you to each and every one of you for the support that I have received for my post on mental health. The traffic the post has received has been immense so thank you all so much. It has been so good to see the response, donations and conversation arisen from the post so again, you beautiful people, thank you.

Mental health is a pretty big crisis and recently I had a bit of an epiphany as they say and it really did change my perspective on my life and I want to share this with you.

Firstly, when you wake up in the morning you have a choice of doing two things. You can either lay in bed and continue dreaming or you can get up and make those dreams happen. You come first, remember this. Live your best life!

Secondly, I had a real realisation. We are all built of energy. When we leave this planet, there will still be an energy that we have left behind (which is one reason as to why I believe in ghosts). Therefore we only own this energy for a certain period of time.

In the morning, the second your consciousness comes back around and you’re aware of your surroundings and you’ve orientated yourself again, to the second you drift asleep at night, you have a total of 100% energy.

How did you spend your energy today?

Did you spend it embracing a day at work? Revel in it. You’re making money! How beautiful! Payday’s going to feel awesome. Energy well spent!

Did you spend it at home looking after a child? Isn’t it beautiful? They grow up so fast don’t they! Energy beautifully spent!

Did you spend it doing a hobby of yours? So lovely to see someone doing what they love! Energy well spent!

Did you spend it feeling low? Your energy is beautiful. Do you remember your energy feeling like that a lot recently? You have so much more to offer. Offer your energy. The world needs it and I promise, the world will offer it’s own beauty back.

Be happy

I really hope the message I’m trying to send is received. Every single life is worth living. Enjoy your energy while you have it, as long as you’re embracing the time you have it, your life will remain beautiful.

The afterlife will be so beautiful when it’s our time to get there. Enjoy your energy while it’s inside of you.

Love to you all,

Courtney-Jane x

Evolution

Hello word lovers! 

It has been a while. I am an awful blog writer! I’m attempting to set this straight although life really has gotten in the way of me keeping on top of things! 

That was the bad news. The good news is that this got me thinking. Mental health is such an epidemic in society at the moment. Did you know, 

84 men commit suicide in the UK every day

That is far too many men feeling alone, lost and depressed.  In 2015, there were 6,639 recorded suicides in the U.K. and the Republic of Ireland. That is 6,639 people too many choosing to take their own lives, and that was just in one year in one small part of the world. I read today in an electronic news article that a young mother in America is mourning her nine year old son who decided to commit suicide over “homophobic bullying”. He was so young and yet he decided that being dead was better than continuing with what should have been the best years of his life. In addition, only six months ago an 11 year old took her own life in my own home town. Cases like this get me thinking and ultimately, we need to talk about it. 

Mental health is a huge problem and there is not enough support for people who suffer on a daily basis. Did you know that 1 in 4 people in the U.K. will suffer from at least one mental health disorder in a single year? And yet, there is not enough talk, support or awareness. I personally believe that the most harmful part of suffering from a mental health disorder is feeling alone in the situation. This can prevent a person from seeking advice, help or the right treatment which can therefore result in devastating and fatal results. If a person feels as though they have no-one to turn to when they need help, (because ultimately most of the time there is however, enduring a mental health problem can build a barrier) it can have deadly consequences. And still, there is not enough people offering their love and support and backing such a relevant cause. People are ashamed to admit that they are struggling due to the stigma around having a mental health disorder which is so strange when our loved ones are deciding to take their own lives. Why are we only briefly discussing mental health when we’re preparing ourselves for yet another funeral? When another child has hung themselves in their bedrooms after being cyber bullied by their school ‘friends’. When a heroin addict has taken just a little bit too much of the drug because they can not bear another sad minute sober and they slip into death. When a man who has fought back the tears all day at work and is found unconscious by his devastated life partner and their children. 

There are many forms of mental health disorders and they cause a person to experience many different emotions and thoughts. Here is a table that Mind have put together to show how many people experience which form of disorder in the U.K. alone.

Now, I can not be the only person who agrees that the suicide statistics are scary? Mind have also put a note in there to issue the fact that these also leave out statistics of many other types of people so arguably, you can suggest that these statistics are not even accurate enough as it excludes people who may be more inclined or at least more likely to suffer from a mental health disorder (which Mind had also commented on).

The point of the matter is, I would like to send a message to anyone who receives this. 

You are never alone, I promise you. There are so many people out there suffering the same as you are. Isolating yourself from the people who love you most is only hurting both you and them. You are never too old, young, big, small, feminine or masculine to have the right to some help and love. It is out here waiting for you and it may seem really scary at first but I promise you, you won’t regret it. There is more than enough love in this world to go round, and that includes you! No matter what you have done, what you think you have done or how invalid you think your thoughts and feelings are, there is always someone out here who will always love you and in times of stress and need, you need to look to them because the love is there for you to lap up. Furthermore, you have activities and skills you have to share with the world! Your path is much brighter than you give yourself credit for and we are evolving every day. Give yourself a try.

I am including a few websites that you can visit for more facts on mental health, suicide and more importantly where you can go to receive help and/or donate, should you ever need or want to. My inbox will always be open to talk to anyone. Keep smiling. 

https://www.mind.org.uk/

https://www.mentalhealth-uk.org/

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/

https://www.england.nhs.uk/mental-health/

https://www.samaritans.org/

Lastly, I apologise for the sad topic to come back with however I feel like it’s a topic that needs to be spoken about more. It’s been on my mind for a little while and in order to make a change, you have to make sure you’re consulting the man in the mirror. Wishing you all well.
Love, Courtney Jane x

Teeth

Hi everyone,

I’ve had so much going on recently as ever so sorry about the lack of posts, again!

In the meantime, I want to bring attention back to dreams and nightmares because recently, I’ve been swarmed with nightmares. Despite my life heading in a good direction and looking forward to the future and my future, I seem to have some real anxieties and these are reflected in my dreams.

So last night, I woke up in a bit of a fluster due to a recurring nightmare I’ve been having at the moment and I’m doing my best to try and just get over it quickly but sometimes it’s hard to try and get on with my day. I’ve been told that I get really hot and sweaty, I breathe heavily, fidget, push and kick out as well as talk . Like I said in my previous post though, it’s all for overcoming your problems and fears. (If you haven’t read it already, this is Nightmares).

Separate from those nightmares, last night I had a dream that I was clenching my jaw so tight that I ended up actually having all of my front teeth fall out. Now, there’s an old wives tale that if you dream about having your teeth fall out, it means either you or someone you care about is going to die. I woke up and panicked and had to check my dream dictionary. I already knew that teeth falling out did not mean that I was going to die but it does mean something so what is it?

Researching on my lovely Dream Diary, it told me the real subconscious meaning as to why I was dreaming about my teeth falling out. These were my results.

 

Because of my fantastic Dream Diary, I was able to find out that I was evidently very anxious and worried about something; there’s something getting to me but what could it be? Well to be honest, it could be a couple of things. My feelings about certain people are changing and due to current events, I’m having to push them aside and try and focus on myself. Maybe it’s because I feel a little disorganised? Well I’ve now bought a day to day planner to try and strategically work out and achieve targets that need to be focused on and met by a set date. It’s working in some respects, for example I’m sticking to a new fitness regime which includes going on a decent run each evening. I’ve never really been a massive fitness freak but I’m hoping that a healthy body may mean a healthy mind and then maybe I can start to see results. Obviously that’s not the only reason why I’m doing it. I generally need to make sure I’m keeping on top of things anyway and so my body should definitely be on that list however some things are really slacking such as time to myself. I’m trying to make sure I keep up the hobbies that are important to me, particularly reading but it seems I do more shopping than anything else at the moment! I really need to stop spending so much money but sad Courtney results in a poor but (arguably) fashionable Courtney.

Since having this dream about my teeth falling out, I haven’t had another one and I’m hoping that means it’s because I’ve identified the problem, reviewed it and hopefully working towards resolving it.

To be honest, I’m not sure what this post was to achieve but I enjoyed writing it and seeing it written down. There’s something satisfying and revolutionary about writing down your problems whether it be in a diary, blog or post-it note. Always share your troubles, dreams and nightmares. After all, a problem shared is a problem halved.

 

I promise to try and fit a schedule in for more posts now. I’m sorry they’ve been slacking but hey, I have a day to day planner now!

Lots of love,

Courtney-Jane x

Autumn

Hi all,

The days are getting colder, the nights are drawing in. Halloween is on the horizon, and Christmas is in sight (not to mention it’s Scorpio’s time of year finally so if you’re celebrating too, a very happy birthday!).

Autumn can be pretty scary to a lot of people – which may seem ridiculous but it’s true. With the nights getting colder and there being a drastic change in the amount of light we receive, I think it’s important to consider that yes we can be all aesthetic in our mustard jumpers and our boots, but we also need to think about the people who maybe can’t enjoy this time of year the way most can. There are people in our own hometowns struggling to keep their homes warm, people who are struggling to make ends meet during this expensive time of year and it’s important to consider that every person that we come across have their own timeline of events and their stresses. Although Christmas is the time of year where we appreciate the ones we love the most, too often we’re forgetting about the people who need it the most.

There are lots of ways that we can help – giving to food banks for example (plenty of supermarkets now have a basket near the exit to make it even easier to give a little love), maybe helping parents around the house just to ease a little bit of stress or even donating to charities such as Age UK where elderly people are able to get help if they are struggling with certain aspects of their lives such as loneliness and finances.

I’m going a bit off of topic here. The main reason I’m writing today is because some people may suffer during winter for other reasons but you can help.

For me personally, an accumulation of difficult times have affected my brain and as a result, winter is the most difficult time of year despite the foods and cuddles with my fur babies.

Awareness of Seasonal Affective Disorder is very little. Typically, the only people I have met that already had background knowledge of the disorder are people who have either got it themselves or know someone who has it.

By definition, Seasonal Affective Disorder is

depression associated with late autumn and winter and thought to be caused by a lack of light.

Credits to thegazette.com

The symptoms of SADS varies from person to person but here are a few of my experiences of having the disorder.

I noticed that I really needed help a couple of years ago when the winter was endless and dark. The only way I can describe it is that everything around me was in black and white – there was no colour in the world whatsoever and I was struggling to feel emotions. I was so lost and I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it out… but eventually spring came along and with it, the flowers bloomed and the sky lit up. People were outside and having fun and I realised that I had so much to live for. The summers and sunsets that I just have to see because no matter how dark it may be,

I will survive the winter

and that is what I told myself everyday until it became true. And with winter vastly approaching, I again will need to adapt to this method of thinking.

When I realised how bad I was, I did visit my GP and that marked the beginning of the what seemed like endless drugs administered to me to try and make me “better”. I won’t lie, some days it did help. I was able to pick up certain hobbies again like my love for make up and reading… but some days this was definitely impossible. I’m lucky in that I never lost the respect for my personal hygiene but getting out of bed was becoming very very difficult. Facing the colourless world outside seemed unnecessary – I was better off staying in bed until winter passes – or worse but obviously, that’s impossible when you have loved ones and a full time job. 

Credits to wsj.com

I wouldn’t ever say that I have this disorder because of a specific person or people because at the end of the day, it’s a very personal issue and quite frankly, I will never admit that someone has that much power over me. Yes, I have been hurt in ways that I wish no one to ever experience but in that same cloud, there is a silver lining. I will never regret any decisions I have made or the people I have met because today, I can say that I will never make the same mistakes again and I will never allow anything like it ever again. But enough of that anyway, that is not the reason for this post.

This time of year is very much about accepting and loving who you are and the people around you. It’s important to keep this in mind when with your loved ones. Although presents are great and we appreciate them, remember that it’s about appreciating the person on the other side. Spoil them by all means, but accept them and make sure that everybody is eternally and truthfully happy. because that is the most important thing at the end of the day.

Seasonal Affective Disorder doesn’t necessarily mean that these symptoms will only occur if there is a lack of light but also, other factors may come into play or may kickstart this feeling. One of my previous employers actually advised me to move to a hot country because it would “fix all my problems”. She never understood it but she also never took time out to understand it – so she chose instead to undermine the scenario rather than to educate herself on it. I had tried to re-explain to her how it works and how it affects different people in comparison to me but I started doubting myself. Why don’t I just move to a hot country? I started questioning myself… until I realised that no matter how intense it gets, no matter how much of a struggle life can get:

The people who love and care about me are the ones that keep me alive.

With the intense love, support and acceptance from the people around me, maybe moving to a hot country could be an option… until I realised, moving to a hot country wouldn’t fix me! Okay sure, I would receive a lot of sunlight – but then I would be sure to get serious home-sickness and miss everyone who helped build me into the person I am today. The problem is, there are lots and lots of bad people out there and sure, they all may hurt you at some point but trust me, some people are worth suffering for. We can all make mistakes, it’s about learning from these mistakes. After all, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter, don’t mind. 

Mental health is not accepted and understood the way it should be in this day and age. I know I have said it before but there really is such a stigma behind it. Watch this space as I will soon be writing about my disorder in greater depth – about my understanding of the disorder and how it affects me but also how it can affect other people. If you or someone you know suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, please do get in touch. I would love to hear about how it differs from person to person. The more people opening up about their mental health problems, the more understanding there will be and also more minds to come together to help each other. Maybe collectively, we can all help.

More on this later.

Goodnight all, Courtney-Jane x

I’m okay thank you

Hey everybody, hope all is well with you. I’m okay thank you.

Well, if I was okay I wouldn’t be about to write this out for everyone to read.

The reason for this blog post is because I’m sick of hearing or reading about girls, women, boys and men being treated like shit basically. (Pardon the language)

So last night, I went out for the night clubbing because one of my friends was celebrating one of her last night’s here as she’s leaving to start university next week so we had all dressed up extra nice, done our make up, put pretty dresses on and off we went to the local club. Thursday nights are always jam packed because it’s student night and all the drinks are half price (and are ridiculously expensive otherwise) so there was a queue to get in when myself and a couple of friends originally arrived. We decided against getting drinks immediately when we went in because it was just so busy it would have taken ages to buy even the first set of drinks so we decided to just go straight through to the dance floor and having already had a couple of drinks myself elsewhere, we decided to start dancing. All was fine and good until about an hour in someone threw their drink all over me and without thinking I told them it’s fine and continued busting out. (Later on, I came to find that that spillage has actually broken the LED in my phone and now I have to pay to get my mobile fixed, sigh).

A little while later, it was just me and one of my female friends (we’ll call her S) dancing on the dancefloor, minding our own business despite the cramped conditions, the wet floor and the heat, we were still partying like it was our last time. Without immediately noticing, I felt someone from behind grab me by the small of my waist, pulled back and hands just holding my sides for a few seconds. I then heard an uproar of laughter which when I turned back to see if it was anyone I know, I realised no, I don’t know this guy and that must be his group of friends laughing. Laughing why? Because they were making a girl feel incredibly uncomfortable and vulnerable in such a short space of time and in front of so many people? Before I’d even properly registered what was going on, I felt this hand slide down the front of my dress and try and make it’s way up the skirt. Freaking out, I battled my way through the moving crowd (the hands holding me back as much as possible while still dancing)  with me pulling S’s hand.

Now ladies, I haven’t really gone out that much but what I can gather is that this or something similar has probably happened to all of us at some point. And this makes me very angry.

I was absolutely petrified. I wasn’t the most sober person on the planet but then I wasn’t the drunkest either. I may not have been a known target but what I can gather is that this guy has probably tried this before or may have even tried it other times just last night. I don’t see how that’s funny whatsoever. It’s like cat and mouse, prey and predator. Fear is the main phenomenon and it works.

Before I get comments of “did you tell any staff?” or “you should have told someone”, no I didn’t report it and yes, perhaps I should have. But there was just so many people there that I guess I just passed the responsibility onto someone else and continued my night. This was my friends leaving do for God’s sake, we wanted it to be a good night. So I just shrugged it off.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened either. Saturday just gone, I went to the same place and I was with the same friend, S and we were partying and having a good time when a guy approached me (and I’ll just point out on this particular occasion, I was slightly more under the influence), and he asked me repeatedly at least fifteen times to come and dance with me and do I have a boyfriend. Every single time I said “sorry but no I do have a boyfriend and no, I do not wish to dance with you”, he would flat out call me a liar and that I don’t have a boyfriend and that I’m just being “frigid”. Hold up. Number one, I do have a boyfriend. Number two, get your hands OFF of me, number three, I do NOT want to dance with you and number four, that does not make me frigid?!

Anyway, this guy then started questioning me like “what’s his name then” and “how old is he” and “why isn’t he with you right now then?”. I answered them all until I realised wait

Why do I have to answer to you?

He then started getting a little moody and turned to S while I was dancing with my other friend G and asked her “is it true? Does she actually have a boyfriend?”. When S obviously told him it was true, he pulled me aside again and told me that it was a “shit excuse”.

This guy was around the whole night. And that’s scary.

I won’t even go into how I got spiked when I first went there.

So, now you’re probably thinking “right, we get it. She’s angry. But what’s the point of this?”. Well chaps, the point is I feel like our built social norms of today have been built the completely wrong way. We’re not even protecting each other anymore. It seems to be whoever gets their own way (whether the cohort likes it or not) wins.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

We need to spread awareness.

We need feminism.

For all of us boys. You, us, everyone.

Feminism is equality.

And remember, no means NO.

Watch this

Love, Courtney-Jane x

Sleeping and Dreaming are two completely different things

Evening all.

I hope you’ve all been well since we last spoke, if not drop me a message and we’ll talk about it. I won’t bite.

I’ve had a lot of feedback about my dream posts, mainly people saying how different they are and how interesting lucid dreaming is and how some people have never even heard of lucid dreaming before. Madness. Well, let’s get you all in the know.

If you haven’t read my post before explaining about what lucid dreaming is, the different types of dreams and a basic guide as to how to train yourself to lucid dream, click here.

I’ve also had a couple of people ask me why am I so interested in dreams because “it’s basically just sleeping, there’s no hidden meaning”. Yes there is. Nothing’s as simple as 123 and I’ll explain why.

The human brain is bloody magnificent. It’s literally so magical and I don’t think people seem to realise how much. It’s not just a brain, it doesn’t just think or keep us alive. It keeps us human.

It makes us human.

It makes us different to every other species. We are able to think, feel, experience, remember, heal, understand and accept. Name one other animal that can do everything that humans can. None. We are so different, and it’s all because of our brains.

Our brains have the capacity to empathise and I think that’s one of the main differences between us as humans and other species and like I said previously, it’s able to heal itself because of our unconscious mind. Say someone is going through a rough or traumatic time and we have nightmares about said troubles, it’s because it’s a way our mind is filing away, accepting, facing and understanding these times and emotions. Without this, psychologists say we would be a totally different species, and I for one, love this.

Lucid dreaming at http://www.wishlist.com

 

The brain truly is magnificent not just mentally but if you’re interested as to how amazing the brain truly is, read The Brain’s Way of Healing by Norman Doidge, it brings up how the brain is “too sophisticated for its own good”, it’s ability to restore lost functions, (for example after a stroke a person may lose their ability to talk or to read but the brain can “recharge itself” and learn these things all over again), and how the brain can actually preserve itself. Remarkable.

Anyway, let’s get back to the dreams. Dreams are truly remarkable. Imaginative, understanding and a world of our own. Experiencing things on our own, for our own eyes. It’s like reading a book or watching a film that we absolutely adore except you’re the only one who can see it and experience it. It’s very personal and it’s a gift that everyone should treasure. Our brains healing while we watch. Beautiful.

I’ve had some really weird dreams in my time, dreams that I was able to venture out and see, dreams where I haven’t been in control and have just been amused to watch or dreams where I sort of know what’s going on but had no control over. Lucid dreaming at it’s finest. Yes, I can lucid dream and no, that doesn’t mean I can control every single dream I have because that would be boring. I like to see what my brain wants to show me and sometimes I just want to see what I want to see. Just depends. People seem really surprised when I tell them this but I’m not quite sure why because imagine you could control every dream you ever had. Realistically, your dreams would be very similar each night because you would want your deepest desires and wishes fulfilled, and therefore that’s what you would dream about. You’d want to mix it up a little every so often, and that’s exactly what I do.

I know this was a short one but I still respect everyone reading this and I’d really like to hear other people’s experiences lucid dreaming and I’d also like to hear what other people dream about generally. It’d tell me a lot about you as a person.

Like this post if you want a clear guide as to how to train yourself to lucid dream and if it gets enough likes, I’ll get on it right away! Thanks for reading my mind.

Love, Courtney-Jane x

Nightmares

Hello everyone! I hope you are having a good summer and if you’re lucky enough to be on holiday or are midway through your summer break, you’re a lucky thing. Holidays mean nice weather (if you’ve gone abroad mainly), parties, a lot of socialising, a lot of sleeping, cold drinks, loud music and happy times.

I wanted to talk about nightmares. Nightmares are the worst but I try to embrace them as much as I can because it can tell me things that my conscious mind can’t. Whenever I have a nightmare, I particularly record it in much finer detail. That way, I can reflect on it as much as possible. Nightmares can tell you a lot about your biggest fears, your darkest emotions, your dark fantasies and your relationships with other people. Now, when I say ‘nightmare’, don’t think I’m only referring to that nightmare you had when you were young, getting chased by an axe murderer and then you fell over and woke up terrified beyond belief. Nightmares can be as simple as a bad day at work and then you got fired. Google’s definition of a nightmare is

“a frightening or unpleasant dream”

It doesn’t have to scare you to be a bad dream.

I have nightmares quite often but there was a particular phase when I was about 14. I was going through an unpleasant experience and I literally felt alone and isolated and as expected, I wasn’t having many pleasant dreams but my nightmares helped me get my head around the situation and was my mind escaping my problems. As much as everybody dislikes having nightmares, it was pretty useful because it made me feel fresh in the morning. Like I’d made progress. Of course, a few kind dreams here and there wouldn’t have hurt but I get a lot more good dreams now and that’s what counts.

This is where things start getting a bit distressing and if you don’t want to read it, I suggest you turn back now. If not, enter with caution. This is me.

One of the worst nightmares I have ever had was I was strapped to a bed in the middle of a pitch black room. It was like laying in a dentistry seat with a single spotlight on me, as if I was on stage and I couldn’t see the crowd or whatever else was out there. One by one, some of my abusers came over to me and were saying incredibly taunting things directly to me. They made me look them in the eye while they told me everything I did not want to hear, besides the fact I really did not want to look into their piercing eyes. It was all the people I hated in my life, who had done terrible, terrible things and they were all there. In a row before me waiting for their turn. I had this dream a couple of times, each time waking up in an absolute state.

Besides this horrible vision each night, it helped me come to terms with a lot and I won’t lie, one of the main reasons for that is because it made me realise that things that have happened to me in the past weren’t my fault and even though I did not want to hear the things that my mind was telling me, I was listening. And it helped me a lot.

Your deepest fears can be overcome, you just have to tackle it head on. Besides, it’s an excuse for a kip. Who wouldn’t want that?

To brighten the mood a little bit, here is some artwork from people trying to capture their versions of nightmares.

weandtthecolor.com

 

Lovecraft’s Nightmare by Michael Whelsan

And my personal favourite which I found on http://www.videogamesblogger.com

 

 

 

Thank you so much for reading, CJ’s back for good! If you like me talking about dreams and the human mind, give this a like! Speak soon!

Love, Courtney-Jane x